out in my headstraights by appointment only

I feel that in my vast landscape of dating experience, the most entertaining stories have come from using dating apps. Whether it’s Tinder, Bumble, Happn, Lavender, Grindr, OkCupid or whatever else you fancy, the men all seem to look and sound the same. What’s hilarious is that you may end up blocking a total douche on one app only to find him resurfacing on another one. It’s an endless cycle of browsing through the same shitty dating pool over and over again.

So you’ve decided that you want to plunge into those murky waters and try your hand at some of these newfangled apps. After all, you can spot a troll a mile away, so how bad could it be? Trust me – it’s pretty fucking bad. Like I’m-joining-a-convent bad. Combing through my conversations with various guys, I can say that there are some pretty straightforward categories that these men fall into. And if you’d like to avoid heartbreak or any really awkward conversations with these kind of guys, I’d advise you to stay clear of them. Because at the end of the day, they’re all dicks.

The Married but Single Dick: it’s bad that I have to start off with this dick, but it’s one of the important ones to look out for. The MBS Dick believes very much in window shopping, so is merely on these apps to ‘grow my circle of friends’. In his search for an expanding friend circle, he is sometimes known to ‘accidentally’ slip his wedding ring off his finger. Just like the time he ‘accidentally’ tripped and fell…inside you. You may think you have an amazing connection with the MBS Dick, and he’s still got his charm, but please don’t think he’s about to drop everything in his world (including his marriage) and run off into the sunset with you.

The Ghost Dick: you get a message from a guy and he’s actually got some nice photos in his profile. Sharp, slightly witty profile text, no photos of him posing with wild animals – this guy seems like the real deal! You message back, a bit flirty at first, and before you know it you’ve both unravelled your life stories before each other. Your heart does a little skip at the thought that you’ve actually found someone you could possibly date, and you can’t wait to tell all of your friends about him. Then suddenly, he stops messaging back. You wait a few days and message him again, but no reply. You can see that the stupid cunt is online but he refuses to send a reply. You scroll through your past messages, looking for some hidden context where you may have said something that turned him off. You sit and wonder what in the hell you might have said or done for him to ignore you like this, but unlike Casper, this is not a friendly ghost. Block and move on, dahlink.

The Personal Trainer Dick: the PT Dick is a weird one. Why on earth would you be on a dating app trying to promote yourself? I thought whoring yourself out was for Instagram, but clearly there’s a new market for PT Dicks who have profiles where they’re flexing in the gym, and profile text that goes something like “Looking to get fit? Flexible packages and timings for interested people – message me and we’ll chat!” The PT Dick also sometimes masquerades as a ‘certified masseur’, so clearly the PT sessions aren’t quite paying the bills after all.

The Soulmate Dick: anyone who says they’re looking for their soulmate on a dating app needs to have their head examined. There are so many profiles saying “Looking for someone special – hope to find them here”, but it’s just a Prince Charming cover-up for some quick wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am action. Avoid.

The Travelling Dick: the Travelling Dick is a dick because a lot of time they seem like recruiting travel agents. They pop into your city, charm you with their stories of lands far away, and somehow entrap you into booking a ticket to visit them over the summer. Their profiles go something like ‘Hi! Visiting your beautiful city and would love for someone to show me around!’ Then you show them around, fall in love with their accent, and then proceed to cry yourself to sleep when you realize they’re leaving you next week. Not a fun sight.

The Photo Collecting Dick: “Pics?” – nuf said.

The Peacock Dick: Peacock Dicks are one of the worst – period. Their profile has photos of them at brunches surrounded by equally happy, gorgeous people, or posing with a random wild animal, or a hundred selfies with some landmark in the background. The Peacock Dick wants you to know that their life is amazing, and that you would be honored to even briefly be a part of it. They describe themselves as ‘intelligent yet well-grounded’, and would love nothing more than to make you their temporary charity project.

The Discreet/Discrete Dick: you never quite know where you stand with a Discreet Dick.  Are you guys an item? Is he going to want to hang out in public? Can you text him from your regular phone number? The problem with a Discreet Dick is that every so often, it’s actually good. So you end up pining for someone who clearly isn’t going to mention to anyone that you exist, let alone hang out somewhere public for fear of exposing them to the world. Also, please decide if you’re ‘discrete’ or ‘discreet’ – there is an actual fucking difference.

The Perfect Dick: if you ever stumble across a Perfect Dick, take a screenshot. They have a perfectly written profile, nice photos, and are quick to respond to your messages. But if you think you’re the ‘special one’ that they’ve connected with, think again. A Perfect Dick is such a rare sighting, that within a few days their inboxes are going to be flooded with messages from hundreds of other eager people. So you’re going to be lost in a sea of eager-beavers all trying to get the attention of the same person. Over the course of a few weeks, the messaging becomes less frequent, and ultimately the Perfect Dick morphs into a Ghost Dick. Soz.

The Racist Dick: a fairly new phenomenon, the Racist Dick shows you that we don’t quite live in such a modern world after all. ‘It’s not racism – it’s just a preference!’ Yea, fuck you too. It’s commonplace to see a Racist Dick rattling off what skin colors they don’t want to get messages from, so your cheerful “Hello there!” will be greeted with stony silence or an instant block. You deserve better than this, so leave a Racist Dick alone to wallow in their mediocrity, and go celebrate your diversity.

Are there any Dicks that were missed out? Let me know in the comments!