A few weeks ago I found myself doing something that I hadn’t done since I was about 12 – reading a women’s magazine. Don’t get me wrong, I still have fond memories of sneaking into my sister’s room to read issues of Femina India and track down the shirtless men in each issue, but the reason I was reading a women’s magazine now was for a particular segment of the apparent hottest bachelors in the city. (Side note, happy that two exes are on the list, not so happy that one of them sent me a text message looking for a shoulder to cry on when he didn’t win. I told him to fuck off.)
The perilous thing of course is that after I had finished reading the section I wanted, I was stuck with the rest of the magazine. And did I mention I was catching a flight? So I sort of shrugged and read through the entire magazine to pass the time. By the time I finished it, I was a little taken aback. Do women actually read these things? Some of the articles in it were good, but a majority of them made me feel a little shitty. But being the super-sleuth that I am, I decided that this needed further investigation before I could come to a rational decision. So on the flight back home I picked up four more women’s magazines – both local versions and international – and proceeded to pore over each one the next day. There almost seemed to be a pattern to the advice and content that I found in each magazine, so I decided it would be super-helpful to decode some of these common articles.
MEN: Find out what they REALLY want to say: it wouldn’t be a women’s magazine without some sort of article attempting to decode what men say, and while this is horribly sexist of me to say, it makes for an easy article and an equally entertaining read. How you can translate “You look different” as “You’re getting fatter” is beyond me, but I did make a mental note that if any guy said that to me, I’d bitch-slap him into next week with my copy of Vogue.
Cellulite: this seems to be a topic that can be discussed at great length. What is cellulite. How to get ride of cellulite. Staying sexy with cellulite. Why you shouldn’t panic if you have cellulite. It’s almost as if you’re having a cellulite party and everyone’s fucking invited. Granted this may actually be an issue for women the world over, but the way this one magazine was describing it was as if you needed to amputate parts of yourself.
[Insert Celebrity name] shows us how she juggles motherhood and a career! Bitch please. If you believe that any celeb is going to sit her ass down and pour her heart out into a magazine about how she tackles motherhood, you’ve been smoking some epic shit. Walk around your neighborhood and talk to a bunch of real women who are coping with motherhood and they’ll tell you a thing or two. That Photoshopped celeb mum on the cover won’t be telling you how to get vomit out of a new Chanel dress, let me tell you that.
How you can be the best version of YOU: if there was an award for the most cryptic article title, this would be it. I mean seriously – women seem to be in some sort of eternal battle against each other, and these articles further fuel the fire. One of the genius tips was to “always be aware” – no shit Sherlock, if you weren’t aware you’d walk straight into that fucking street lamp. WELL DONE YOU ARE NOW 75% A BETTER WOMAN!
Keep him coming back again (and again, and again): Men looove sex (or objects they can thrust into at least) so sex tips are aplenty in most magazines. Of course you don’t outright call them sex tips, but something more candy-coated so your readers can giggle like schoolgirls. Also in this column are the typical “How to lose / get over / shoot / stalk / unfriend the ex” nuggets of advice which every woman needs in order to navigate the perils of dating.
Look your best at [insert age]: these pieces border between being useful and downright bizarre. One article said to “increase your consumption of maca root powder” – what in the eternal universe is maca root powder? Another article listed “Drink red wine” since it contains powerful antioxidants. So you get to be drunk off your ass all in the name of science and good health. Where do I sign up?
Make 2015 the Year of You: with the New Year comes a slew of these shitty ‘New Year New You’ articles, often accompanied by a photo of some skinny bitch in yoga pants holding an avocado (or laughing while she eats a salad). These articles are probably the most irritating to read, so if you value your sanity, read something else instead (like this wonderful blog).
Got more tidbits of awesome advice or articles you’ve read in a women’s magazine? Share them in the comments!