out in my headstraights by appointment only

What is it about Hotels that just make them seem like a whole different universe? Like they’re some sort of hidden paradise in the city, where you can sit around your room in a bathrobe all day, enjoy the many treats of an overpriced mini-bar, and embrace the forbidden luxury that is room service. Married and need a quick break from your hectic life? Leave your kids with the concierge and enjoy a well-deserved lounge by the pool.

But there are a few things about hotels that I find a bit puzzling. For one thing, their showers are always the most complicated thing to use, especially if you’re staying in the swankier hotels. Take the hotel I’m currently staying in for instance. The walk-in rain shower is lovely, but I had to spend a fair bit of time analyzing the apparatus before I could get it to work. All there is in the wall is a large handle that only turns anti-clockwise. After gingerly turning it around, I figured out that the water would first come out cold, and as I kept turning, the hot water would kick in. So basically I have to endure 12 seconds of freezing my sperm before the hot stuff kicks in. And what is it with all the towels? There are bath towels, hand towels, face towels, towels for the floor, towels for the towels on the floor – I counted them all and in my bathroom there are 11 freaking towels! Maybe in the event of an emergency I can use them to parachute out my window?

The one thing I do love about hotels though is all the toiletries you get in your room, which you inadvertently end up taking home with you  because, well, you just do. The toiletries in my current room are quite nice and contain eucalyptus extract – essentially the company razed a koala habitat just so I can have smoother hair. Nice.

One last question to ponder – what is it about hotel rooms that gets people in the mood to have the dirtiest, loudest sex they can imagine? There’s a couple a few doors down from me that are hell-bent on repopulating the earth it seems.