out in my headstraights by appointment only

This is the article that started this post.

A gay teen commits suicide.

Another one.

It was probably not the way I imagined my day to begin, reading about yet another teen who took his life because he was bullied. But these are the bitter cards that life deals us, and this article was indeed bitter for me.

For me these gay teens echo much of the frustration I felt in my youth – the feelings of isolation, of being physically taunted, of always walking that one step faster than everyone else. Of course my outside persona reflected something very different. My love for conversation and generally fun attitude attracted people to me, so for most of my university life I was surrounded by people or always part of larger groups. I applied the ‘safety in numbers’ routine to a T, and it worked like a charm. But on occasions where I wasn’t with anyone or was walking to a class alone, I would hear the names being muttered just within earshot. I’d learn what ‘faggot’ and ‘queer’ would mean in at least three other languages. I had guys bump into me as they ran up the stairs. I’d have people sway their hips and flail their arms as they walked by me in a dry attempt to get on my nerves. I had an English professor who was explaining double-meanings in a class point directly to me and say “If I say he is gay, what does that mean?” To which someone said “He’s very happy” and someone else screamed “He’s a homo!”

Of course at the time the incident didn’t quite register with me – I wasn’t flamboyantly gay or waving a pride banner, people just knew within a few minutes of meeting me that I was who I was. But despite thinking I was thick-skinned and “Born this Way”, inside the frail chords of my confidence were beginning to snap. My family life was chaotic with everyone seemingly living in their own world and not talking to each other. My grades weren’t great in some of my university subjects because I was doing a degree that my parents wanted me to do rather than pursuing something I was passionate about. My sexual life would put ‘Sex & the City’ and ‘Desperate Housewives’ to shame. Day by day, I wanted out. I wanted to leave everything behind and stop waking up to a life that I dreaded. I didn’t care to think about the people I would be affecting with this decision, I just was fed up of everything and everyone.

So in a somewhat planned and clinically calculated move, I decided to attempt an overdose.

I didn’t write a note explaining what I was going through or why I was doing it. I just went to the medicine cabinet and went through what was there. I stashed the pills in my room and went about the rest of my day as normal. I waited until my parents had gone to bed before getting out of bed and retrieving the pills from under the clothes in my cupboard. I sat on my bed with a bottle of water and started ingesting each one – from Panadol to flu medication I just kept taking them all. After my cocktail of medication was complete, I lay back down and waited. I fell asleep and woke up some hours later to find my sheets and body drenched with sweat. My stomach felt like it was caving in on itself and I couldn’t breathe properly. As soon as my body realized I had woken up, I buckled over and threw up. I grabbed the waste bin and witnessed my stomach empty out the vile contents I had tried to digest a few hours ago. I recall the thick acidic smell as I retched into the bin for what seemed like hours, even when nothing came out and I felt like any moment I would pass out and never wake up. But the short of that experience is that I did not pass from this world, nor (by some miracle) did I do permanent damage to my body. I was stupid enough to just stay home for the week and not talk to anyone about what I had done, letting my body recover from the abuse.

I look back at that event today and so many things go through my mind. I regret that I was so cowardly that I wanted to take my own life rather than try to deal with issues. I wish that I could have talked to someone – anyone, who could really truly understand. Yes I had close friends, but how do you chair a conversation that starts with “Last week I tried to take my life“?

My point of writing this post was not to garner sympathy or try and feel better about what I did. I wrote this post for the person reading this right now who is going through the same things I did those years ago. You don’t have to be gay to be bullied or depressed or suicidal – it can effect anyone. I would like to think that I’m a better person now having come out of it intact, but I also realize that in my moment of weakness I looked for the easy way out. Even now as an adult I’m still not used to talking about how I’m feeling or if anything is bothering me (I’m working on that). But if I was to go back and talk to my past self, I would tell myself that what I was about to do was not only stupid and foolish, but would mean that I had given up on myself. I also wrote this post to show those who know me in real life that even the most seemingly upbeat and ordinary person you know could be crushing on the inside.

Life throws all kinds of shit at you – It Gets Better but only if you want it to.

Life is for living, and it is not in your hands to cut it short -never think that you are worthless or that your existence means nothing in this world.

I shall leave it to the SEO and social media gods to decide if this post should be shared or tweeted etc, but if you are being bullied at school, university, work, or wherever and you really need an outlet, then speak to someone, send a tweet, post a Facebook message, ring a center – anything at all, just don’t believe that life isn’t worth living anymore.

xoxo

1) Remember everything you ever learned in school about rhyming? Well, throw it out the window – no one likes to listen to a rap that rhymes properly! In fact, feel free to do something crazy like rhyming ‘kodak’ with ‘kodak’

2) Add ‘feat’ or ‘vs’ to the track title – people pay more attention to your song when you’ve got someone more talented in it. Even if they’re just humming in the background or making sounds with their armpit, it’s going to sell.

3) Remix the shit out of it – if your track isn’t doing too well on the charts, just release a remix! And make the title really cool by pairing up with some 2-bit DJ you found on craigslist. I mean how COOL does “The Pushover Brothers – Concrete Balls [Whoopee Cushion Remix]” sound?

4) Vocabulary is going to be your greatest enemy, so try and twist things around by randomly substituting actual words with slang. Like ‘there’ with ‘thur’, or ‘here’ with ‘hur’, or where with ‘wur’ – you get the durft.

5) If all else fails and your record company is threatening to bail on you, use autotune! Autotune is your golden ticket to a life of remixes, club appearances, hangover concerts, and a second shift at Wendys.

Wurd.

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to attend the Scissor Sisters concert in Abu Dhabi, and it was absolutely amazing. By 10pm the crowds were anxious to hear the band, and I swear there were so many gay men around me it was like Grindr but with straight people too. As soon as the band took the stage at 11pm, the crowds completely lost it, and we were treated to an hour and a half of fantastic music. They covered all their classics like Laura, Take Your Mama Out, Fire With Fire, Invisible Light, and even Sex and Violence. The atmosphere was beyond electric as people sang along and screamed like crazy whenever Jake came near the front of the stage. I sent a tweet to @jakeshears before the concert which went a little like this:

I was majorly peeved that my camera decided to die halfway through, so I had to rely on my Blackberry to take photos, which didn’t turn out as bad as I thought they would! It would have been epic if there was any merchandise on sale as I would have loved to grab a t-shirt or something to add to my ever-expanding wardrobe.

Read the rest of this entry »

Today was the big day of our choir performance, so after a quick mike test and stage placement at 1pm, the theatre was opened for the performance at 2pm sharp. The opening act consisted of a few dance numbers with the crew and passengers, and then finally the show choir was up. We all quietly shuffled on stage and took our places, and at our conductor’s queue we burst into song:

Not too shabby if you ask me!

The rest of the day was spent packing up, picking up last minute souvenirs from the gift shop, and watching the crew break up the gingerbread village in the main lobby. We all met up for a final round of drinks and dinner in the evening, before heading to our cabins for our last day at sea.

HOLY CRAP IS THIS SHIP ROCKING.

We’re on our way back home today, and there’s some seriously rough weather going on at the moment. Peering from the safety of my cabin I can see rain, hailstorms, and even a rainbow at some point. Most people are opting to stay in their rooms, while some brave souls are making the perilous journey up the stairs to the cafeteria. Rather than risk rolling down the stairs or worse having someone fall on me, I decided to stay up in my room watching TV until dinner, when the weather had improved somewhat from the 14ft waves we were getting in the afternoon.

Our last stop is the Bahamas, and the sun is out in all its glory today. We dock in at 1pm and the passengers troop out onto the deck to discover what hidden wonders this island has in store. Unfortunately, most of the shopkeepers were still recovering from a huge New Year’s Day parade, so most shops were shut. I found a few interesting shops to go into (as well as a Hard Rock Café!) but other than the usual diamond jewelers that you see at every port, there wasn’t much open that was worth really looking at. Still it was nice to get off the ship and walk around for a while. Of course, glaring at me over the horizon was the Atlantis Bahamas, so it almost felt like I was back on the Palm. I smartly decided to avoid the mobs of people flocking to the resort and headed into town instead.

Back on the boat I decided to turn into a couch potato for the rest of the afternoon and watched some truly god-awful television shows. But I managed to catch an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ which I think I’ll catch up on entirely when I’m back home. The captain then announced that we’re in for a bit of rough weather in the evening, and sure enough by dinner time the ship had begun to sway ever so slightly, and was being blessed by pounding rain on the decks. Here’s hoping that things will clear up tomorrow!

New Year’s day was spent recovering from New Year’s Eve, so a late breakfast was the first thing on the agenda followed by choir practice for our performance at the end of the cruise as part of the passenger and crew talent show.

The night however turned out to be an absolute riot – at 10pm I headed to the Sky Lounge for ‘Dancing with the Stripes’, a dance contest with the ship officers and passengers, similar to Dancing with the Stars. What began as a casual and innocent dance contest soon turned into absolute chaos, with shoes being kicked off, shirts flying, underwear being shed, and all manner of shenanigans. The crowd was roaring with laughter as the judges sat dumbfounded trying their best to look away from the mob of bodies on the dance floor. In the end once couple was crowned the rightful winners, and the crowd melted onto the dance floor to carry on the night’s festivities.

There’s a rumor going around that there’s karaoke tomorrow, so stay tuned!

What better way to start off New Year’s Eve than with yet another facial? After having my facing oxidized and peeled away, I revel in my new-found (and somewhat temporary) youth and spend the rest of the day indoors, mingling with the minions. Preparations for New Years eve for me started promptly at 5pm, where I casually announced to my roomie that he had one hour to do whatever he needed to in the washroom before I would commandeer it. After shaving, showering, exfoliating, doing my hair, and slipping into my outfit for the evening, I headed down for our group photo in the foyer. Now if you thought getting a group photo right was hard in itself, imagine trying to corral twenty or so queens to stand properly on a staircase. Nevertheless, we came through in the end for a wonderful group photo before dismissing for dinner. As usual, dinner was exceptional with all kinds of wonderful dishes and sweets on offer, where I think I went a little overboard with the ‘Chocolate Tombstone’ for dessert.

After our group New Year countdown, I slipped into something a little more comfortable and headed up to the pool deck, where the party was in full swing. Ice sculptures adorned the jacuzzi, people donned hats and noisemakers to ring in 2012, and the general atmosphere was amazing, helped by the fantastic house band. I managed to keep it together till about 1am (in god knows which timezone) before galloping off to bed with fond memories of 2011.

Happy New Year everyone!

Today we docked in Antigua, and even though clouds loomed over the dock, I hopped onto a bus with our group for a three hour tour across this amazing island. While the population here isn’t the largest, there is a rather stable environment of schools, a hospital, churches, and a thriving commercial district. Of course with three ships in the dock today, the island is rife with tourists such as myself, so I’m glad to be on a bus instead of pushing through the overcrowded streets.

We come to Nelson’s Harbor where we are treated to a brief history of the area before it starts pouring down with rain. But after a mere five minutes or so, the rain stops and it’s bright and sunny again, so we troop onward and finish the rest of our tour. We get treated to the island’s fabled rum punch, which provides quite a kick to some of our group. After raiding the gift shop, I headed back on to the ship for a late lunch and more poolside reading. Is it weird that I’ve gotten more reading done so far on this cruise than ever before?

Before heading off for dinner I decided to drop by the theatre for a stand up comic – it turns out to be a hilarious forty five minutes as he talks about everything from losing his luggage to the cabin showers, and even had time to indulge with some of the audience members. Dinner as always was exceptional and was rounded off by a Grand Mariner soufflé, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We then headed up poolside for “Celebrity Rox”, a non-stop rocking party as a sort of preview of what’s to come on New Year’s Eve. Fuelled by the energy of the dancers, scores of people joined in (myself included), and we even managed to pull off a line-dance or two.

For reasons beyond comprehension, I cannot remember at all what happened on this day.

Which worries me a little bit…

Okay, I’m totally messing with you all – it’s more the evening that was memorable, which involved me mostly being flat on my back in a roman orgy. Actually it was less Roman and more a Dutch / European mix