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10 Ways Twitter Pisses Me Off

Posted on 17-09-2014

Ah Twitter, how do I love thee? I jumped on this social media bandwagon back in September 2009, not really knowing (or caring) about what I was doing. Today I feel pretty much the same way on Twitter, however the 3,000 people that I’ve seemed to have amassed over the years keep me entertained. And they occasionally send me DMs about shady weight-loss programs, which is always useful.

But for all the years that I’ve spent on Twitter, there are still some things that piss me off about it. Some of them may seem trivial, while others will have you nodding in agreement and waving pitchforks and burning torches in the air.

1. The auto-DM: I followed someone a few weeks ago, and after about 20 minutes they sent me three direct messages. It was basically one long-ass message that they had broken down with links to their website and a generic ‘thank you’ for following them. Seriously? I don’t give a flying fuck if you follow me back or DM me to say thanks – I follow you because I want to keep up with your tweets. If you think this is a great marketing idea to make your new followers more welcome, it’s not.

2. Trying to find your Twitter worth: I’ve been seeing this crop up recently, where people will randomly tweet out “My Twitter account is worth $3,194.40 What’s Yours worth?” and all you can think of is “Can you shove that money up your ass and shut up?“. Seriously, why on earth would you want to try and find the value of your Twitter account? Not only is it annoying to see on your timeline, you can really get depressed when you finally realize that you can’t write to Twitter asking for a cashier’s cheque for said amount.

3. Tweeting how many people unfollowed you: This is another irritating service that people love to sign up to. OMG YOU JUST UNFOLLOWED ME WHAT DID I DO WRONG YOU ARE SUCH AN EVIL PERSON THIS IS BEYOND FORGIVENESS etc. We’re eternally grateful to see that 12 people unfollowed you and 19 people followed you. We’re also eternally grateful for the Mute button on TweetDeck.

4. Tweeting your horoscope: Yet another baffling thing that people sign up to. If you want to put your faith in the stars, that’s fine, but please be aware that the sugar-coated horoscope that you just automatically tweeted was also simultaneously sent out to about a quarter of a million people. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? MAYBE YOU’RE IN RETROGRADE.

5. Anyone who still uses paper.li: Stop it. Just stop it.

6. People who have private accounts: what in the holy hell are you tweeting about that you don’t want the world to see? This is the Internet – why are you on Twitter if you want to keep your thoughts to yourself? THE WORLD MUST KNOW HOW AWESOME YOUR LUNCH WAS. Also, private accounts are a bitch to retweet, so just come out of the Twitter closet already.

7. People who think Twitter = Google: There are certain times where asking a question on Twitter is a good thing. Something like “Does anyone know where I can get organic flax seed oil to massage my dog with?” would probably get a few replies. Asking something like “Does anyone know what time the stores in Dubai Mall close tonite plz?” is not.

8. Commemorative tweets / followers: YAY! You hit 400 followers / 12,000 tweets – have a fucking cookie.

9. Brands that act like people: Hi, we’re a brand and we’re not quite sure how this social media thing works but we’re going to go ahead and jump into it anyway and assign someone to talk to people on Twitter like we’re BFFs and braid each other’s hair on the weekends. It’s incredibly creepy when I’m chatting to someone on Twitter and I’m suddenly elbowed in the ribs by an over-friendly brand that is trying to be a part of the conversation.

10. Verified accounts: you verified people sitting there looking so smug with your blue tick marks…

The Definitive Grindr Phrasebook

Posted on 04-08-2014

I stopped using Grindr a while ago, but recently I’ve hopped back onto it for a) entertainment purposes and b) a girl’s gotta eat. But in my absence, it seems that nothing much has changed on Grindr. Scrolling through Torsoland is no easy task, and what’s more some of the lingo that these guys use can be quite baffling. It’s like the whole men vs women war, where they say one thing but mean another.

So of course in the interest of science, I decided that I would document some of these responses and create my own “Grindr phrasebook” so that you’ll never be lost again.

How’s it going? = Now that we’ve got the formalities out of the way, send me a pic of your junk

Any pic? = Any pics of your junk?

Where are you from originally? = Are you a white male with a six-pack?

Any face pics? = I need to know if you’re attractive or not.

I can’t see your pic = I don’t know how to use a VPN

I can’t send pics = I don’t know how to use a VPN

I’m discreet = Don’t tell my wife

No Asians = Are you a white male with a six-pack?

My WiFi is slow = I’m cheap so I’m using Hotspot Shield

Nice = Meh

Cool = Meh

I’m XX inches = I’m overcompensating

What are you doing online? = Why haven’t you sent me a picture of your junk yet?

Any more pix? = I’m still deciding if I want to meet you or not. Also, send me a picture of your junk

Looking for friends = Don’t tell my boyfriend

Looking for playmates = I’m in a sexless relationship and I’m hoping this will revive it

No queens = Are you a white male with a six-pack?

No offense intended = Let me insult your ethnicity first and then decide if you’re interesting

Straight-acting = I’m not gay. I just like to have various parts of the male anatomy in my mouth

Girl looking for my GBF! = I’ve been brainwashed by gay stereotypes and I’m sifting through an avalanche of shirtless men to find someone to talk to

The many faces of Spinneys, as told by Twitter

Posted on 16-05-2014


The six people you meet at Taste of Dubai

Posted on 18-03-2014

Last week I popped down to Taste of Dubai with my sis, something that we’ve done each year as a kind of insane foodie tradition. While the festival has certainly grown over the past few years, we’ve noticed subtle changes in the variety of food on offer as well as the kind of people who show up to attend. Having attended two out of three days this year, I certainly ate quite a bit and observed my fair share of weird people (and cliques). So while we were propped up at the bar, we came up with a little list of the kind of people that you can meet at Taste of Dubai:

The Honeymooners – what better way to spend the weekend with your significant other than at a food festival, curled up on the soft grass listening to a band on stage while you sip Tiger beer. And you don’t even need to be married to be in the Honeymooner category – basically feeding anyone a spoonful of soft-shell crab while having a not-so-silent orgasm will get you into this category.

The Pram Pushers – hot on the heels of The Honeymooners come The Pram Pushers. These people think that it’s much more fun to bring their kids out as well, rather than having them at home with a sitter. And with small kids come prams that could pass as Transformers.  It’s bad enough that the place is teeming with people, but let’s make things a bit more interesting by barrelling down the pathway with this huge thing that looks like a wheelbarrow. Bonus points for carrying your two-year old baby and standing in front of a flaming BBQ pit to give you kid that extra-smoky, carbon monoxide smell  (apparently carbon monoxide doesn’t smell, so la dee fucking da).

The Serial Clubber – on your way to a club? Why not detour and binge-eat on sushi, crab, chicken skewers, and drink wine from a plastic cup? These strange creatures come decked out in their best clubbing gear (including high heels – on grass), and are utterly confused when they realize they have to buy a ticket to get in and not flash their tits at the door.

The Food Blogger – poised with diminutive notepad and DSLR/smartphone, the Food Blogger hops from table to table while painstakingly framing their five-millionth Instagram photo of a fish biryani. They’re not afraid to storm the stage after a chef’s demo or to stop you halfway through your meal to snap a photo of ‘casual diner tucking into their latest food find’. #love #food #foodporn #tod #nom

The Social Drinker – a regular every year, the Social Drinker sees Taste of Dubai as just one big excuse to go out and get completely plastered. Whether they’re staggering into the MMI tent or staggering out of the MMI tent, the Social Drinker is far from social, opting either to lean on a fence for support or plonking themselves in the VIP lounge with fellow Drinkers. Strike up a conversation with them at your own peril.

The Beachcomber – a new entry this year, the Beachcomber is exactly that – dressed for the beach, but attends a food festival. Tank top, shades on top of their head, flip-flops, and shorts complete a chic beach look, except they stand out like a sore thumb amongst everyone else who’s dressed like regular human beings.

 Did I miss anything? Leave your own observations in the comments!

Dear LinkedIn

Posted on 13-03-2014

We need to talk.

I joined LinkedIn years ago, in the hopes that mingling with the high profile names of the corporate world would land me a job at my then dream destination – Microsoft.

It did not.

But I continued to stay on LinkedIn, ‘connecting’ with colleagues and other people in my industry, all the while trying my hardest to obtain the elusive “100% complete” profile badge.

However as of late, I’ve noticed that LinkedIn has become a complete joke. Or at least I’m ‘networked’ with people who think that LinkedIn = Facebook.

It is not.

I’ve come across the below posts a bit frequently on my LinkedIn, and every time I see them I cringe a little bit. I also them promptly delete that person from my network.

So I decided to respond to these kind of posts in the only way I know how – through gifs.


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You’re Single And It’s Not The End Of The World

Posted on 06-02-2014

A table for just one sir? No one else is coming?

I’ve had to endure this line every so often when I arrive at a restaurant and have to be seated. On one hand, it’s almost always easy to seat a table for one – there’s bound to be a single seat tucked away, near the bar or even towards the back, where the bustle of the kitchen warps any sense of actually enjoying your meal. But on the other hand it gets irritating when you have to stare back at the maître d’ who’s looking at you with raised eyebrows as if a second person is going to materialize out of thin air.

For most of my adult life, I’ve been single. I’ve done the long distance relationship thing, I’ve had great relationships with people who’ve suddenly decided their true calling is halfway around the world, and I’ve had a few psycho cases along the way. But for most part, I’ve been rocking the singles boat. At parties, weddings, events, clubs – I’m usually descended upon like some kind of rare specimen, to be poked and prodded to no end. You’re still single? Oh you’ll meet someone great, don’t worry! The dialogue is always the same from my friends but it’s rarely convincing. But the funny thing about being single is that eventually, you just embrace it. And that’s when you truly start to enjoy your life.

Of course there’s always Grindr for those looking for a gentleman’s company, but you pretty much know what kind of company you’re going to get from there. I love it when I see guys who’ve written that they’re on there for ‘networking’. What the heck kind of networking can you do with a headless torso and a picture of your family jewels?

I have a fair amount of friends who start to get all mopey in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Something about it just turns them into bickering, bitter human beings, and to be honest it can be quite toxic. For these people, Valentine’s Day is a not-so-subtle reminder that they don’t have a ‘significant other’ in their lives, and for some reason this scares the living daylights out of them. For a long time, I was one of these people, always worrying about when I would meet this other person who would give me a reason for living, and who I could share every special moment with. Truth be told, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Speak to any couple in private and they’ll confess that they often envy their single friends. Why? Because as single people, we write our own rules. We go where we want, when we want, and we go with whoever we want. There’s no obsessively texting someone that we’re going to be home late, or spending twenty minutes deciding which movie to go for or which place to order dinner from.

I choose to celebrate being single, and of course it’s taken me a while to get there. Sure, I could be a complete nutcase and join the various ‘Anti-Valentine’ brigades that seem to be popping up everywhere, or burn all memories of my exes in some kind of ritualistic dance, but neither of these are going to end well. Valentine’s Day is just like any other day for me – I see couples and people in relationships on any other day, so there’s nothing different this time around (except that flowers go up in price by 135%).

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, don’t make a big deal about it. Life is meant for living, and right now sitting around worrying about when and where you’re going to meet a partner isn’t helping anyone, least of all you. Go out and enjoy your single life while it lasts – meet up with your other single friends and treat yourself to a night on the town, or just do things that make you feel good. In fact, why wait for just one particular day to treat yourself? Do it any day of the year, any time you feel like you just need to unwind, or blow off some steam, or just to remind yourself that there are greater things in life you should be worrying about than heart-shaped candy and roses.

So yes, I’ll take a table for one – just me and my fabulous self.

Music Monday – No Scrubs

Posted on 02-02-2014

Music Monday – Same Love

Posted on 27-01-2014

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Music Monday – I’ll Get You (Do you like Bass)

Posted on 13-01-2014

Music Monday – Somewhere Only We Know

Posted on 30-12-2013