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Lord I’m Coming Home

Posted on 26-10-2010

Believe it or not, I do occasionally go through my email Spam folders. Gone are the days when all you would get were emails regarding Viagra and shlong enhancement. Now there’s a plethora of randomness that can be sent your way, and one my favorites recently has been emails from random people saying that there’s a stupidly large amount of money waiting to be transferred over to me. Here’s one example I received today:

Hi Dear,

My name is Mrs. Heidi Gonzalez.  I am 63 years old. I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to you for charity/ motherless babies/less privileged in the world. I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe he has because he is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation next week.

I got your contact from a business directory and picked you randomly for this project. I decided to WILL/donate the sum of US$9.8 Million dollars to you for the good work of God. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives (That have squandered the funds I gave them for this purpose before) are around me and my health status also.

My family lawyer is aware of the fact that I will adjust my WILL as soon as you get back to me with your name and address, telephone and fax number, I will forward the deposit Certificate to you and the lawyer so that he can contact the Security Company where the $9.8M is deposited in safe, sealed Box and instruct them to immediately move the deposit to your address, bank or whichever way you deem appropriate to receive the deposit. The company is not aware of the content of the deposit as I tagged it personal effects for export for security reasons. I will inform them I have willed (the trunk Box) to you so you will have full access to them with the deposit reference number: MGR/WDS/95773/50015/MSVD/3196GB/UK.

All I ask of you is to make sure that you use this money for the work of God and service to humanity. I know I don’t know you but I have been directed to do this by God. I wish you all the best and may the good God bless you abundantly as you work toward this humanitarian mission.

Lastly, I want you to pray for me regarding my health, because I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without God in one’s life is vanity upon vanity. If you have to die, says the Lord: keep fit and I will give you the crown of life. I believe we serve the same God and that we are all going back to him when we die.

Respond immediately with your name, address, contact information and I will give you details to open up communication with the company and my family lawyer. May the Grace of our Lord, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more, Amen.  You can reply directly to my email or you can send a fax to the hospital in C/O Mrs. Heidi Gonzalez. The hospital fax number is: +44-871-218-4724. If you want to reply by email, you should send me an email to:  heidi.gonzalez@planetmail.com 

Your sister in the lord

Mrs. Heidi Gonzalez

heidi.gonzalez@planetmail.com

Being the good Christian that I am, I promptly decided to reply to this email from another email address, just for kicks.

Dear Mrs Gonzalez,

IN THE NAME OF CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD AND MASTER I SHOWER BLESSINGS ON YOU.

Truly, I have to say that I was so excited to get your email. I am so sorry to hear that you are dying, and extend my deepest sympathies to you and your loved ones, who I am sure are currently gathered around your bedside waiting for you to croak at any moment. I am so happy to hear that you have been touched by God – recently a lot of young people have been touched by priests, so it’s good to hear that God has finally taken it upon himself to do all the touching instead. Can I hear an Amen?

I am absolutely amazed that a woman in your severe condition would be so generous as to donate the amount of US$9.8 Million to me. I would think that with all that money you would want to get your cancer treated, but if you are indeed doing God’s will, who am I to question your motives? Truth be told, this money could not have come at a better time. Every time I go to church I pray to God to make my financial situation a bit better. I was even thinking of instead going to the church next door as I hear they give out free bread at the end of the service. But now that God has willed you to send this money to me, I don’t have to worry about where my next loaf comes from.

I will indeed pray for your health as you have so kindly requested, and I will pray to our Lord God that he take you away as quickly as possible into his Kingdom, where you will eternally be in his favor, while I sit on a pot of $9.8 million. Surely, you are the winner here.

Yours faithfully in Christ,

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