out in my headstraights by appointment only

“Ladies you’re damn right
You can’t read a man’s mind
We’re living in two tribes
And heading for war”

Girls Aloud certainly knew what they were talking about when they wrote their song “Love Machine”. For centuries, men and women have lived in a complete state of turmoil, trying desperately hard to understand each other. Whether you invoke the ‘Men are from Mars’ argument or not, it often seems that men and women are indeed from two different planes of existence. For men it’s a thankless task trying to decipher the inner workings of a female mind, and what makes it equally exasperating is when she says one thing, but really means another. If you think the Da Vinci Code was puzzling, try and crack the nefarious “Do I look fat in this?” question.

But never fear my loyal readers, I’ve put together a quick ‘cheat sheet’ for those invaluable times where you need a bit of translation help:

She says: What are you thinking about?
She means: Your silence is making me uncomfortable

She says: We need to talk
She means: You’ve done something wrong that is beyond the laws of human comprehension

She says: I only like you as a friend
She means: You’re boring and have the sex appeal of a mosquito

She says: Does this make me look fat?
She means: If you value your teeth, you will think carefully before you answer

She says: Do you love me?
She means: I need to know that this is going somewhere

She says: Fine
She means: You need to shut up now

She says: Do you think she’s pretty?
She means: I’m flawless and that’s just a Photoshopped bimbo you’re staring at

She says: I’m having a bad day
She means: I’m having a bad day and I will remove and pan-fry your testicles if you annoy me