out in my headstraights by appointment only

I have to admit I was sort of late to jump onto the Tinder bandwagon. The thought of another dating-type app on my phone sort of filled me with dread, but a good while after it launched I decided to check it out. Over the past year or so I’ve met a total of three guys in real life, even though I’ve matched with a lot more. The general flavor for Tinder is that you get caught up in that initial rush of “OMG THE LIKED ME TOO” which quickly descends into boredom once you start chatting with the person and they don’t really have much to say. Sure, it’s a refreshing change from the “got dick?” messages I’d probably get on other apps, but truth be told Tinder isn’t doing much for me at the moment.

But what it is doing for me is making me realize that I’ve swiped left on a TON of guys, all with very valid reasons. My friends who’ve seen my Tinder-ing in action keep saying that I’m picky or that I have too many expectations (when did that become a bad thing?), but I disagree. There are just some things that if I see on a profile, I’m immediately swiping left.

1. You’re in a group photo: to reiterate this, you’re supposed to put a photo of YOURSELF up. Not a family photo. Not posing with a group of six friends on a night out. No. Just a photo of yourself. I don’t want to be playing ‘sexy guy roulette’ to try and figure out which one you are, only to be disappointed when I check out your other photos and you’re not the stupidly attractive person that I zeroed in on from your group pic.
2. You’ve uploaded the same photo: This one kills me every time. Oh it’s a nice photo of your face. Oh it’s a nice photo of your face with a filter applied. Oh it’s a nice photo of your face in black and white. Oh look I’ve just swiped left.
3. You think Tinder is a political platform: Seriously – the number of times a person’s profile photo has has some sort of political or social agenda to it is mind-boggling. You’re on Tinder mate – if you want solidarity with a group of people, this isn’t the right place to be barking on about it.
4. You think Tinder is Instagram: Keep your lame-ass inspirational quotes for Instagram – no one has time for that bullshit when they’re trying to find someone’s G-spot.
5. You’re posing with an exotic animal: If I see one more person posing with a tiger with a massive thumbs up, I’m going to break my phone. Why hasn’t nature weeded out these freaks yet?
6. You’re posing with a child: I don’t care if the child in question is related to you in any way or not, it’s an immediate swipe left. WHY WOULD YOU UPLOAD THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
7. You’re posing with a wine glass and/or are clearly drunk: Maybe leave some of the alcoholic mystery to our second date?
8. You have no profile text: While I agree a good picture is a must-have, profile text is just as important. And don’t be stupid and write your ‘stats’ in your profile text. I want to know deep your personality is, not how many inches it is.

Got any more Tinder hangups? Let me know in the comments!