out in my headstraights by appointment only

1) Remember everything you ever learned in school about rhyming? Well, throw it out the window – no one likes to listen to a rap that rhymes properly! In fact, feel free to do something crazy like rhyming ‘kodak’ with ‘kodak’

2) Add ‘feat’ or ‘vs’ to the track title – people pay more attention to your song when you’ve got someone more talented in it. Even if they’re just humming in the background or making sounds with their armpit, it’s going to sell.

3) Remix the shit out of it – if your track isn’t doing too well on the charts, just release a remix! And make the title really cool by pairing up with some 2-bit DJ you found on craigslist. I mean how COOL does “The Pushover Brothers – Concrete Balls [Whoopee Cushion Remix]” sound?

4) Vocabulary is going to be your greatest enemy, so try and twist things around by randomly substituting actual words with slang. Like ‘there’ with ‘thur’, or ‘here’ with ‘hur’, or where with ‘wur’ – you get the durft.

5) If all else fails and your record company is threatening to bail on you, use autotune! Autotune is your golden ticket to a life of remixes, club appearances, hangover concerts, and a second shift at Wendys.

Wurd.