out in my headstraights by appointment only

I officially love flying. And not just because of the ‘seeing a new city’ thing, but you get to experience such wonderful and quirky things on an airplane.

Take for instance the creature that sat a seat behind me on my connecting flight. Now this guy was determined to tell everyone on the flight that he had been assigned the wrong seat.

Arey this is my wrong seat! The guy at the counter I TOLD him I wanted and AISLE seat and he was like okay okay sir not a problem you will get an aisle seat. Then? See? How is this an aisle seat? Ah? AH? EH?

All it took was one “shut the fuck up” look from the entire row to reduce him to muttering under his breath.

Another thing that amused me on my flight yesterday was the sight of a man wearing a silver tinted suit with white stripes. Yes, you heard that right – a SILVER suit. Looks like the Tin Man finally got tired of walking and was flying to Oz instead. What’s worse was that it was so easy to see that it was an ‘off the rack’ suit because his trousers weren’t hemmed at all, and I just sat there thinking MUST NOT PULL OUT SEWING KIT.

But by far the most fun I have on flights is when the stewards go around and give you a ‘menu’ for what they’re serving on the flight. Not only is it a ridiculous waste of paper, nothing you read on the menu is what they’re actually going to serve, unless of course you’re flying business class. I happened to save the menu from my recent flight, and thought it would be great to offer a translation:

Breakfast
Omelet with potato pancake, beans, and grilled tomato = yellowish curled up sheet sitting on something pureed, drowning in watery bean juice

Lunch
Baked Chicken breast with seasonal vegetables and red onion confit = chicken starved for two months with a side of murky vegetables and onion beaten up to a bloody pulp

Dessert
Chocolate fudge brownie = expired chocolate melted down into squares