out in my headstraights by appointment only

Dear airline – rather than charging overweight people for extra seats, can you charge people for bringing on board kids that are too small to be sedated and/or restrained to the seat?

Dear airport – if you don’t want me to drive around the terminal in your little buggy, don’t leave it unattended.

Dear lady at check-in desk – I realize that the 4am shift isn’t the best in the world, so please don’t stare dumbfounded at me when I politely ask how your shift has been so far.

Dear baggage handlers – I know you are all part of a fucked up cult that puts my baggage on the belt at the very end. One day I will have my revenge.

Dear stewardess – “We’ve run out of apple juice, but there’s some red wine if you like?” is just pure genius.

Dear talkative passenger next to me – I understand that you’re flying alone, but maybe if you shut the fuck up every now and then,  someone would accompany your ass.

Dear airline – your ‘chicken’ or ‘vegetarian’ options are essentially the same thing, just nuked to a different color of the evolution chain.

Dear airline – please give everyone on your flight an iPad, so that they don’t have to keep stabbing the back of my seat while they try to navigate your archaic resistive touchscreen.

Dear airline – you will burn in hell for making us all walk through first and business class in order to reach our shitty economy seat.

Dear passenger in front who loves to recline – if you push a bit farther back and open your mouth, I can check for cavities.

Dear airline – probably not a good idea to serve egg sandwiches at 35,000 feet with only six available bathrooms.

Update: This post was featured by the fabulous chaps at the Channel 4 Breakfast Show – thanks dahlinks! Link here