out in my headstraights by appointment only

As someone who works in an HR firm, going through CVs is a fairly mundane task. But every so often there comes that one gem, that one CV that brings a smile, a giggle, or screams of laughter. People on Twitter regularly observe by CV-ramblings under the tag of #CV101, and I never fail to disappoint. So I thought it would be great to make a little list of the amusing things that I’ve seen on CVs recently, in the hope that you never make the same mistakes.

1. Hobbies: back horse riding
2. Objective: “I am a flexible young man…” (what is this, Cirque du Soleil?)
3. If you are a Bar Manager, don’t apply for a Project Manager position. The skills are not the same.
4. Hobbies: watching TV on the couch, going to McDonalds
5. S T O P  T Y P I N G  L I K E  T H I S  O N  Y O U R  C V
6. Skills: The Internet (I think it’s remarkable that you know the entire Internet)
7. “Typing speed: very fast”
8. Achievements: Auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent
9. IT knowledge: Office, Windows 3.1, 95, 97, 98, 99, and 2000 (Ladies and gents, the next Bill Gates)
10. IT Skills: Competent in server languages
11. Unless you’re on a football team, putting ‘team player’ in your CV means zilch.
12. “My role model is Stevie Wonder because he proved he can do anything” (what?)
13. Please don’t ever start your CV with a quote from Gandhi or Einstein.
14. “To the attention of the HR Depot”
15. Please don’t put your email down as “luckymonkey@——.com”
16. STOP WRITING “GREETINGS OF THE DAY”
17. Please don’t start a CV with “Ladies and Gentlemen” – you’re not a ringmaster.
18. “Esteemed” and “prestigious” are words I’d use to describe a man’s junk. Avoid on your CV.
19. “If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to touch” PROOFREAD YOUR CV!
20. What NOT to put on your CV: “I have an excellent record of servicing my clients”

There are of course THOUSANDS of examples that I would love to share, so if you’ve come across any little CV gems, please share them in the comments section!