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Better The Devil You Know

Posted on 26-07-2010

Over the years, I’ve been asked all kinds of questions about my sexuality and the whole ‘being gay’ thing. Some questions are legitimate while others are just plain stupid. So in an effort to satisfy your knowledge of les gays, I’ve put together a quick FAQ which I hope you will all find useful. Enjoy!

  1. Being gay does not mean I’m allergic to sports.
  2. I am attracted to other gay men, not straight men. I do not enjoy barking up the wrong tree.
  3. No, I don’t fucking read Perez Hilton’s blog or have anything to do with him.
  4. Brokeback Mountain was a decent film. However please don’t assume that all gay men like to have tent sex on some mountain.
  5. Sex and the City is not our Bible.
  6. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I can’t whoop your ass if I needed to.
  7. “If we allow gay marriage, then what’s next, People marrying animals?” <– I shit myself laughing when I hear this.
  8. Being gay does not mean I aspire to be a woman. Don’t make me come over there and prove that I’ve got a penis.
  9. The fact you’re worried that I’d fuck your boyfriend says far more about your relationship than it does about me.
  10. Gay couples don’t obsess over who’s the ‘husband’ and who’s the ‘wife’. So stop fucking asking us.
  11. Not all gay men want to belt out Cher numbers at karaoke.
  12. Not all gays can tell the difference between ‘Pink’ and ‘Fuchsia’. But there is a difference.
  13. If you want to say something is stupid, please don’t say “That’s so gay”.
  14. Gays = evil, evil=devil, therefore devil is gay. Think about it – he’s horny and flaming.
  15. Just because I’m gay does not mean I’m going to hell. Come up with a better catchphrase.
  16. It is not compulsory for gay men to use the words ‘gurl’ or ‘sistah’ in conversation.
  17. Not all gay men go clubbing. Some of us spend time at home watching a movie or reading. Shocking, I know.
  18. Even some gay men don’t understand what ‘gaydar‘ is.
  19. A straight man can wear pink and still be a man. As long as it’s not the same color as pink highlighter pen.
  20. Gay men make great uncles who can spoil your kids and dress them up in fab gear because you’re shit broke.
  21. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to attend your bachelorette party or baby shower. Thank you for the invite though.
  22. If you’re clean-shaven, it does not mean you’re gay.
  23. If a gay man flirts with a straight man, that is a massive compliment. It means you also have a backup plan.
  24. When a gay man is drunk, he does not become straight, he just gains a fascination with female anatomy.
  25. Gay is NOT contagious.
  26. No, we don’t go into the changing rooms at cK and dry-hump the posters.
  27. I’m gay and I own electronic devices that are not vibrators.
  28. No it doesn’t hurt. And it actually feels really good. If it hurts, you’re not doing it right.
  29. I am not afraid of the word “vagina”. Its a word. I will however, not inspect it on your behalf.
  30. Yes, I CAN know that I’m gay even if I’ve never tried having sex with a girl. Deal with it.
  31. Stop asking us if we watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or any other gay-friendly programming.
  32. Gay men aren’t out to ‘convert’ straight men like a religious cult. “Hello, care to hear about the healing power of cock?”
  33. Gay men play video games too.
  34. Not every gay guy creams himself over Jake Gyllenhaal.
  35. If a gay guy comes out, support and love him. Don’t assume that he’s about to do drag.
  36. Girls, please stop saying “Oh what a waste!” when you find out a guy is gay. It is NOT a compliment.
  37. Lesbians aren’t the natural enemy of gay men. Homophobes are.
  38. Ladies, just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we want to know that you’re on your period. Hokay?
  39. It is entirely possible for a gay man to not giggle like a schoolgirl at the mention of the number 69.
  40. We all have the ability to talk like a stereotypical gay man with a lisp. Most of us just choose not to.
  41. It’s unfortunate, but gay men can and do get crushes on straight friends. It does not however mean we want to give you a blowjob.
  42. If you’re on Manjam.com, admit it. I have an account because it amuses me greatly to see men searching for ‘soulmates‘ on it.
  43. Like most women, we too don’t like it when 35 minutes into a date the other guy is taking his pants off.
  44. I’m gay, not “a” gay. Learn the fucking difference, bitch.
  45. I’m gay, not a cookbook. …or a hair stylist. …or a make-up artist. …or a florist. …or a porn star….
  46. 3 months is not a long term relationship. Period.
  47. Gay men ARE NOT A BREED OF MAN. “Oh, you’re gay! I have a gay friend, you should totally meet!” Seriously.
  48. When a group of gay man decide to go on a trip, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will spend days in a roman orgy.
  49. Gay men who moan about how men are shit have been dumped. Get over it. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
  50. Looking at a naked woman to me is like looking at a chair: I’m quite indifferent to it. The difference is I WILL find a use for the chair
  51. Not every gay man worships Madonna. But it IS true that 95% of gay men will like at least one Madonna song… the other 5% are in denial.
  52. A dance song with a big black diva singing, ‘It’s all right’ or ‘Be yourself’ or any variation on that theme will become a gay dance classic.
  53. Every gay at one point catwalks down the hall to a pop song. Beyonce gets the best of all of us.
  54. Men, like lottery tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same.
  55. Gay men can wear other colors besides pink. It’s not like we’re going against a gay code or anything.
  56. You don’t HAVE to love Will&Grace to be a respectable gay man.
  57. Ladies, when a guy says he’s gay. Don’t fall for him. He’s not going to change his mind.
  58. Not all gay men aspire to wear women’s clothes. Most are quite happy in men’s garments.
  59. Rosie O’Donnell is not the emperor of gay people and sometimes just needs to shut up. (Ellen is cool however).
  60. Gay life can be empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter.

A big shout out to the brilliant minds on the forums over at GayGamer.net for a lot of these!

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