out in my headstraights by appointment only

A few months back a friend of mine roped me in to attending a ‘seminar’, which I walked out of after the first five minutes. The ‘seminar’ was about a product called My Video Talk, and essentially it was a software that you could buy and then tell your friends to buy in turn, and somewhere along the line you’d get ridiculously rich.

Now my idiotic friend led me to attend under false pretenses – I though she was taking me to a gay singles dating night because her exact words were “Come down and see, there are plenty of nice people to meet and some nice single guys!”. But once that bitch got me through the door, she sprung the surprise on me that she wanted me to sit down and listen to some fucktard drone on for 2 hours about how they were racking up debt and not earning enough money, and how overnight they were able to help themselves and their friends earn remarkable amounts of cash.

For those of you who haven’t quite heard of a pyramid scheme, let me use this handy illustration:

Basically whichever way you look at it, it’s complete bullshit. I remember in the late 90s there were pyramid scheme companies popping up all over the place – one dolt even came to my university campus to get us to buy web hosting for $100. Because the number one priority on a college student’s mind is fucking web hosting.

Anyway, back to this My Video Talk crap – another friend of mine wanted me to check this software out last week,  so I actually decided to see what they were offering. Essentially there are four software packages that I am going to quickly chat about, because they are just so damn priceless:

• MyVideoDesigner – Why send regular email when you can send VIDEO EMAIL? After all, why receive regular viagra spam when you can have a video featuring a 70 year old man with a raging hardon?
• MyVideoBroadcaster – ‘is the most powerful LIVE web broadcast product ever released – yet it’s so intuitive a child can use it‘ Okay if that doesn’t sell it to me, I don’t know what will. Again, I wonder what this bloatware offers that I can’t get from Skype, MSN, Yahoo, GTalk, and thousands of other video applications. I also love the fact that they’re touting HIGH DEFINITION here (caps included). High-def video? I’m sorry, have you REALLY experienced the Internet speeds around here?
• MyLiveLearning – another vague product that promises to upgrade your skills, improve your knowledge, do your laundry, and babysit your kids.
• MyVideoChannel – ‘Video is the most powerful communication medium on the planet.‘ No shit Sherlock! Do you think anyone would enjoy an audio CD of porn over a video? (It’s embarrassing that I have to keep referencing the adult film industry, but I’m trying to make this post relateable)

The other side-splitting humor of the website is the “President’s Club” – a secret society that you can only join after you’ve conned enough people into buying this useless software. It’s funny how many people in that club end up thanking THE LORD ALMIGHTY AND JESUS OH THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY IN YOUR NAME I WILL SELL THIS SOFTWARE TO THE PEOPLE FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL BUY IT AND BE SAVED!

But I digress. If anyone you know wants to talk to you about “My Video Talk” and how it changed their lives, tell them to piss off.