out in my headstraights by appointment only

I’m not kidding – I thought about this blog post all by myself while I was stuck in traffic (of course). Traffic is actually a wonderful thing; it allows you to collect your thoughts, swear at complete strangers, and catch up on Angry Birds. But I seriously think that the way some men drive is directly proportional to their sexual performance. How so? Well, let me shed some light….

If you drive behind people and flash your headlights then you’re guilty of being in a hurry under the sheets. You most likely employ ‘delay-sprays’ or other exotic supplements to further your performance, but you’ll forever be known as “Speedy Gonzales”.

If you change lanes without indicating then you’re probably bisexual. I’m just saying.

If you like to drive close to the back of the other car then you’re into ‘back door’ fun and you enjoy grinding when you dance.

If you brake hard then you frequently fall asleep in the sack. Or you just lie there and let the other person do all the work. Lazy bastard.

If you follow speed limits and use your indicators, then you practice safe sex, enjoy spending time with your partner, and believe that speed limits are not simply ‘advisory’.

If you drive a massive vehicle that takes up two lanes then you got the short end of the stick. (You can figure out what that means)

If you use race against other cars on a busy highway, then you’re into roman orgies and somewhere out there is your lovechild.

If you drive a sports car and zip around like you’re in Grand Theft Auto, you’re just a douche. If you follow the road rules, then you’re fine.