out in my headstraights by appointment only

Out of Office.

When I first discovered this little feature in Outlook, I loved it. What a great way to let people know that you’re busy or not in the office. But over the years as my emails have grown, I now think it’s the most useless thing in the world. Why? Well because no one seems to pay attention to them anymore. Some people think that an Out of Office is just sort of an ‘advisory’ thing, and that they can keep emailing you under the false hope that you have your laptop soldered to your head and are checking your emails.

I was recently away from the office and faithfully put my Out of Office on, and when I came back to work this is what I had in my inbox:

“Hey – can you please see the attached and get back to me asap with changes?”

followed later in the week by

“Hi just checking, did you have a chance to look at the report yet?”

and then finally

“Hey managed to push the meeting to next week so will catch up when you’re back”

See what I mean? Completely useless. My Out of Office clearly stated when I was returning to the office, but some people just don’t bother to read the entire thing. So I propose the following solution:

When someone emails me for the first time:
“Thanks for your email – I’m currently out of the office with no access to email, returning on ________. Please contact ______ if your query is urgent.”

And if they send me another or more emails:
“Thanks for your email. I don’t think you quite understand the concept of ‘Out of Office’. It means that I’m physically away from my work either banging someone I met off the Internet or on vacation. You know, vacation? That crazy thing where I’m allowed to piss off for a few days and get paid for it? So stop sending me fucking emails. Your mid-life crisis can wait until I get back.”