out in my headstraights by appointment only

Stop. Just stop.

For years you left us, the bloggers, to our own little corner of cyberspace. For weeks and months of our lives we toiled on our little blogs, publishing posts and minding our own business.

But suddenly we were hot property. Everyone wanted to know what the bloggers were talking about. Brands scrambled to search for the hottest bloggers with skyscraper visitor stats. PR companies realized that they were sitting on a goldmine, and began corralling bloggers into their databases faster than you can Instagram what you’re eating (and later blog about it).

Opening a new store? INVITE THE BLOGGERS!

Trying out a new menu? WHAT DO THE BLOGGERS HAVE TO SAY?!

Want to reach a particular reader base while paying for nothing? SEND FREE SHIT TO THE BLOGGERS!

I’m happy to say that I’ve been running this blog for about six years or so (mandatory anniversary blog post to come later) and I never used to get PR companies pitching any interest in my blog. But all of a sudden, I’ve got PR companies emailing me to try and get mentioned on my blog. Here are some choice emails I’ve received, with particular product names switched out:

Hi there! I really love your blog ‘out of my head’ and was wondering if you would be interested in putting some of our client’s banners on your site? XXXXX is a brand that I think your readers would relate to, and I think we can benefit from this mutuallyarrangement. Do let me know what you think!

First of all bitch, you got my blog name wrong. Secondly, the only kind of mutual arrangement I like is if I put your brand banners on my site and then get to sit on Channing Tatum’s face.

Hello there, I was wondering if you would be interested in placing text link adverts on your blog, in between the posts. It would not interrupt your blog layout, and we would be happy to pay you for a year’s worth of advertising in advance. Please reply ASAP.

What the fuck is with PR companies wanting to splash ads on blogs? I’d rather have an enema than ruin my blog with shitty ads. And speaking of enema…

Hey there! I was going through your blog and loved your blog post about men shaving – it was really funny! I was wondering if you would be interested in reviewing the Balls n Butt Bodyshaver 3000?

Now this one started off well – I’m a sucker for anyone complimenting me on my blog. But this douche then had to do a complete 180 and stick his product pitch right there in my face. Who the hell would want to read about my experiences shaving the ungodly parts of my body? HELL NO.

Hello! You’re getting this email because we’ve marked you out as an amazing digital influencer! We would love to send you a PsychoBrew kit for you to check out, and we’d love it if you blogged about it! I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s the best brew you ever had!

This PR pitch was dead long before I hit the ‘delete’ key – again, why the hell would anyone on my blog care about what I was drinking? I did receive a follow-up email to this one, which sounded as if I would lose the will to live if I wasn’t making brews with this thing.

In short: Dear PR Companies – I am a blogger, NOT YOUR FUCKING CASH COW / BLOGGER-BITCH.

(Duly inspired by a fabulous post by Sandier Pastures)