1) Remember everything you ever learned in school about rhyming? Well, throw it out the window – no one likes to listen to a rap that rhymes properly! In fact, feel free to do something crazy like rhyming ‘kodak’ with ‘kodak’
2) Add ‘feat’ or ‘vs’ to the track title – people pay more attention to your song when you’ve got someone more talented in it. Even if they’re just humming in the background or making sounds with their armpit, it’s going to sell.
3) Remix the shit out of it – if your track isn’t doing too well on the charts, just release a remix! And make the title really cool by pairing up with some 2-bit DJ you found on craigslist. I mean how COOL does “The Pushover Brothers – Concrete Balls [Whoopee Cushion Remix]” sound?
4) Vocabulary is going to be your greatest enemy, so try and twist things around by randomly substituting actual words with slang. Like ‘there’ with ‘thur’, or ‘here’ with ‘hur’, or where with ‘wur’ – you get the durft.
5) If all else fails and your record company is threatening to bail on you, use autotune! Autotune is your golden ticket to a life of remixes, club appearances, hangover concerts, and a second shift at Wendys.
Yesterday I was fortunate enough to attend the Scissor Sisters concert in Abu Dhabi, and it was absolutely amazing. By 10pm the crowds were anxious to hear the band, and I swear there were so many gay men around me it was like Grindr but with straight people too. As soon as the band took the stage at 11pm, the crowds completely lost it, and we were treated to an hour and a half of fantastic music. They covered all their classics like Laura, Take Your Mama Out, Fire With Fire, Invisible Light, and even Sex and Violence. The atmosphere was beyond electric as people sang along and screamed like crazy whenever Jake came near the front of the stage. I sent a tweet to @jakeshears before the concert which went a little like this:
I was majorly peeved that my camera decided to die halfway through, so I had to rely on my Blackberry to take photos, which didn’t turn out as bad as I thought they would! It would have been epic if there was any merchandise on sale as I would have loved to grab a t-shirt or something to add to my ever-expanding wardrobe.
Today was the big day of our choir performance, so after a quick mike test and stage placement at 1pm, the theatre was opened for the performance at 2pm sharp. The opening act consisted of a few dance numbers with the crew and passengers, and then finally the show choir was up. We all quietly shuffled on stage and took our places, and at our conductor’s queue we burst into song:
Not too shabby if you ask me!
The rest of the day was spent packing up, picking up last minute souvenirs from the gift shop, and watching the crew break up the gingerbread village in the main lobby. We all met up for a final round of drinks and dinner in the evening, before heading to our cabins for our last day at sea.
We’re on our way back home today, and there’s some seriously rough weather going on at the moment. Peering from the safety of my cabin I can see rain, hailstorms, and even a rainbow at some point. Most people are opting to stay in their rooms, while some brave souls are making the perilous journey up the stairs to the cafeteria. Rather than risk rolling down the stairs or worse having someone fall on me, I decided to stay up in my room watching TV until dinner, when the weather had improved somewhat from the 14ft waves we were getting in the afternoon.
Our last stop is the Bahamas, and the sun is out in all its glory today. We dock in at 1pm and the passengers troop out onto the deck to discover what hidden wonders this island has in store. Unfortunately, most of the shopkeepers were still recovering from a huge New Year’s Day parade, so most shops were shut. I found a few interesting shops to go into (as well as a Hard Rock Café!) but other than the usual diamond jewelers that you see at every port, there wasn’t much open that was worth really looking at. Still it was nice to get off the ship and walk around for a while. Of course, glaring at me over the horizon was the Atlantis Bahamas, so it almost felt like I was back on the Palm. I smartly decided to avoid the mobs of people flocking to the resort and headed into town instead.
Back on the boat I decided to turn into a couch potato for the rest of the afternoon and watched some truly god-awful television shows. But I managed to catch an episode of ‘The Good Wife’ which I think I’ll catch up on entirely when I’m back home. The captain then announced that we’re in for a bit of rough weather in the evening, and sure enough by dinner time the ship had begun to sway ever so slightly, and was being blessed by pounding rain on the decks. Here’s hoping that things will clear up tomorrow!
New Year’s day was spent recovering from New Year’s Eve, so a late breakfast was the first thing on the agenda followed by choir practice for our performance at the end of the cruise as part of the passenger and crew talent show.
The night however turned out to be an absolute riot – at 10pm I headed to the Sky Lounge for ‘Dancing with the Stripes’, a dance contest with the ship officers and passengers, similar to Dancing with the Stars. What began as a casual and innocent dance contest soon turned into absolute chaos, with shoes being kicked off, shirts flying, underwear being shed, and all manner of shenanigans. The crowd was roaring with laughter as the judges sat dumbfounded trying their best to look away from the mob of bodies on the dance floor. In the end once couple was crowned the rightful winners, and the crowd melted onto the dance floor to carry on the night’s festivities.
There’s a rumor going around that there’s karaoke tomorrow, so stay tuned!
What better way to start off New Year’s Eve than with yet another facial? After having my facing oxidized and peeled away, I revel in my new-found (and somewhat temporary) youth and spend the rest of the day indoors, mingling with the minions. Preparations for New Years eve for me started promptly at 5pm, where I casually announced to my roomie that he had one hour to do whatever he needed to in the washroom before I would commandeer it. After shaving, showering, exfoliating, doing my hair, and slipping into my outfit for the evening, I headed down for our group photo in the foyer. Now if you thought getting a group photo right was hard in itself, imagine trying to corral twenty or so queens to stand properly on a staircase. Nevertheless, we came through in the end for a wonderful group photo before dismissing for dinner. As usual, dinner was exceptional with all kinds of wonderful dishes and sweets on offer, where I think I went a little overboard with the ‘Chocolate Tombstone’ for dessert.
After our group New Year countdown, I slipped into something a little more comfortable and headed up to the pool deck, where the party was in full swing. Ice sculptures adorned the jacuzzi, people donned hats and noisemakers to ring in 2012, and the general atmosphere was amazing, helped by the fantastic house band. I managed to keep it together till about 1am (in god knows which timezone) before galloping off to bed with fond memories of 2011.
Today we docked in Antigua, and even though clouds loomed over the dock, I hopped onto a bus with our group for a three hour tour across this amazing island. While the population here isn’t the largest, there is a rather stable environment of schools, a hospital, churches, and a thriving commercial district. Of course with three ships in the dock today, the island is rife with tourists such as myself, so I’m glad to be on a bus instead of pushing through the overcrowded streets.
We come to Nelson’s Harbor where we are treated to a brief history of the area before it starts pouring down with rain. But after a mere five minutes or so, the rain stops and it’s bright and sunny again, so we troop onward and finish the rest of our tour. We get treated to the island’s fabled rum punch, which provides quite a kick to some of our group. After raiding the gift shop, I headed back on to the ship for a late lunch and more poolside reading. Is it weird that I’ve gotten more reading done so far on this cruise than ever before?
Before heading off for dinner I decided to drop by the theatre for a stand up comic – it turns out to be a hilarious forty five minutes as he talks about everything from losing his luggage to the cabin showers, and even had time to indulge with some of the audience members. Dinner as always was exceptional and was rounded off by a Grand Mariner soufflé, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We then headed up poolside for “Celebrity Rox”, a non-stop rocking party as a sort of preview of what’s to come on New Year’s Eve. Fuelled by the energy of the dancers, scores of people joined in (myself included), and we even managed to pull off a line-dance or two.
For reasons beyond comprehension, I cannot remember at all what happened on this day.
Which worries me a little bit…
Okay, I’m totally messing with you all – it’s more the evening that was memorable, which involved me mostly being flat on my back in a roman orgy. Actually it was less Roman and more a Dutch / European mix
Today is my first land excursion, on the island of St Juan. We pile into a bus and are warmly greeted by our tour guide Pedro and driver Louis. While Pedro narrates the scenery going past, we expertly weave through cars and it almost feels like being back on the roads of Dubai.
Eventually we arrive at a historic fort, with some absolutely breathtaking views. I wander through the abandoned troops quarters, watch towers, and through a long and rather dark tunnel that was used to move troops and equipment around the fort. It was wonderful to see how this massive structure had stood the test of time, and it was just as wonderful to make a quick stop at the gift shop before leaving.
We ended the tour in the shopping district, where rather than visit the tons of souvenir shops and cafes, I instead headed straight for Pandora, to see what glittering gems I could procure. Walking away with two charms and a porcelain tree ornament, I head back to the ship to relax and grab a bite to eat on the mostly abandoned pool deck. I spot a sneaky soft-serve machine in the corner of the deck dispensing strawberry goodness, but I refrain from the indulgence and head back to my cabin.
Dinner again provides to be exceptional with entertaining conversations and great food, but it’s the post-dinner activities that prove to be the most memorable. I head down to the theatre at 11.45 for late-night open mike stand-up comedy, and it proves to be hilarious. Some brave souls saunter on stage and tell a few jokes, others are much better and get the crowd in peals of laughter. I hop onto the stage for a five minute stint and I mange to get some giggles out of the audience, which is more than enough for me before calling it a night.
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